Hello again, gentle reader. I was planning to write you last week, but I decided to take some time to try to process what's happened to me since I blogged last.
Unfortunately, I still haven't come to peace with it, so I'm going to editorialize somewhat less than is my habit, and just tell you what happened.
They say that when the gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers.
As you know, Bob, two weeks ago, an old flame I hadn't seen in a long time was in town and we spent some time together. After I wrote
this on the subject, she came out to trivia and it was just about as akward and pleasant (yes, both). We parted amicably at the end of the evening and I'm still all angsty and confused. Now, the reports of my various friends who were witness to these evenings tells me that perhaps I was mistaken in not making some kind of move, and as a result I find myself wondering whether the fact that I held back is due more to my determination to "do the right thing" or my natural cowardice. But this is only tangentially relevant to the topic of this article.
Guess what happened the very next day?
Now, I don't want to sound like the 40 year old virgin or anything (least of all because I'm only 26). I've dated a number of women, had several flings, but I've only been in two really serious romantic relationships.
All the same, I think it's an extraordinary coincidence that the very next day, the percentage of my former girlfriends who I've spoken to recently went up to 100%.
Yes, folks, the other one called me the next day. Some background: I started seeing ex #2 late in 2002, basically right after I finished recovering from the previous breakup (Yeah, it did take a while. First love, you know). I tried my best, but at some level, I'm fairly sure she was always more into me than I was into her, though our actions belied this. What we had seemed very much like a long-distance relationship, even though she only lived about ten miles away. She had some medical problems I won't go into and as a result never wanted to go out -- which is really fine by me; my karaoke habits aside, I'd really much rather spend an evening at home doing cuddly domestic things anyway. But she didn't just not want to go out; she didn't want to stay in either, at least not with me. And she didn't want
me to go out either, which was the
really strange bit: she wanted us to just stay in. Independently. There were other rather sketchy things about our relationship that to anyone more perceptive than me would have sent up a bright red flag emblazoned with the words "GET OUT OF DODGE, FAST". But I hung on, convinced that if I could just stick it out a little bit longer, things would be okay. But they weren't, and she finally cut me loose when I disagreed that the solution to our problems was to get engaged. You know, I don't even think she really meant to break up with me: it seems that some women will break up with you just to win a fight, and you're expected to come begging your way back so that she can be magnanimous and accept you. Only I didn't, because I was not really all that upset at being dumped. That was December of 2003. (Truly, December is the cruelest month. 2000: My first love breaks up with me. 2001: Threw my back out. 2002: Lost a job. 2003: Second girlfriend breaks up with me. 2004: Threw my back out, again. This is why I'm so unpleasant at Christmas.)
Anyway, over the next several months, we did this little dance: she'd call me up, ask if I was "still mad at her", I'd say no because I, well, wasn't. She'd ask if I wanted to get back together. I'd say no. She'd get angry and tell me how horribly I treated her, how shallow and immateur I was, and how much better off she was without me. Repeat every 4-6 weeks until August, at which point she asked if I wanted her to just leave me alone and never talk to me again. Now, she'd asked before, and I had always said that, no, I didn't want her not to ever call me again. This is because I didn't. Which is not to say that I
did want her to call me again; I honestly had no feelings one way or the other.
This is what was wrong with our relationship: by the end of it, I didn't feel
anything for her. One way or the other. At the time, I didn't feel this was a good enough reason to break up with her, and maybe that was wrong of me, but, well, I didn't
want to break up with her -- like I said, I had no opinion one way or the other on the matter. But it seemed like it was better than being alone, and I held out hope that I might start feeling something again if I just stuck it out. But when she finally asked me that time in August, I decided that I'd had enough. I had tried to be honest, tried not to lead her on, but she wasn't getting it. So I told her: While I personally did not mind if she kept calling me, I thought it would probably be best for her if she just stopped and got on with her life because I had no more uncertain terms in which to tell her that I did not want her back.
And that was the last I heard from her. Untill two weeks ago Monday, the day after I saw my first ex-girlfriend. What, has my life turned into an episode of
Charles in Charge or something?
So, she called me up, and was surprised when I didn't yell at her and hang up -- as if I had ever done anything in my entire life to lead her to believe that I would do something like that. She went on at some length about how much "better" she was now, and how she wished she had not met me until now, since she's in a much better emotional place at the moment. And she asked if she could see me, and come out to Karaoke that Friday. Now, obviously, I have no power to stop anyone who likes from coming out to karaoke, but I thought that bit would be weird and awkward and I wasn't thrilled by the prospect. She could not comprehend this. She thought I meant that my friends would get into a fight with her. I told her this was not what I meant, but could not explain in any terms she could understand why I thought this would be strange (Perhaps it is indeed something hard to understand. What do you think, gentle reader? I suspect she was just being obtuse).
But I did agree, not being able to think of any good reason why not, to meet her for dinner during the week. As before, this was not because I actively
wanted to see her, but rather because she wanted to see me and I had no objection. I mean, it would have been rude to refuse her.
So I saw her. Now, I know what she wanted to happen, but at the time, I didn't quite. I swear to God I was not trying to lead her on, but she seemed to have gotten it into her head that I would, on seeing her, reverse my previous position, take her up in my arms, profess my undying love, take her home with me, and bed her (But kudos to her on bringing her own contraceptives just in case). I like to think that it marks me as a man of integrity that, once I discovered this, one I knew that I was pretty much guaranteed sex if I just said the magic phrase, that I did not lie to her, claim to want to get back together with her, and use this to, irm, fulfill some of my baser urges. It would have been easy enough, and after the treatment she'd given me in the past, I know a lot of people would have forgiven me had I done it. But I had told myself I wasn't going to lie to her, so I didn't. She had a hard time accepting this, and told me so. What I did tell her was that I did not want to be in a serious relationship at the moment (which I think is technically true. However, I will grant that I left out the fact that I am confident that the
right person could sway me from this course), but that if I did, I would not automatically exclude her from the running, and I was not opposed to trying to build a relationship again
from scratch. But this was not what she wanted to hear, so she didn't. Instead, she persisted with the notion that she could by sheer force of will, instantly become my steady girlfriend again instantaneously. So she asked me again every five minutes whether I was ready to be in a relationship now.
She did not come out to karaoke, which surprised me more than it should have, since by the end of the night I had given her my blessing to do so. But the next night, as I was, again, at karaoke with my friends, she called me every five minutes to ask me to meet her at some other bar where she was hanging out. I told her that I had made plans with my friends and that I would try to meet her there if I got out of things earlier. Of course, this was not what she wanted to hear, and became enraged: why was I being "so ignorant to her"? (note: few things annoy me more than people who use 'ignorant' to mean 'rude') Why wouldn't I brush my friends off to be with her? This, in her mind, clearly meant that I did not care at all about her.
Over the course of these increasingly irate phone calls, she eventually asked me two questions, neither of which she ought to have, but which I answered honestly:
Q: What did your friends think about me calling you?
A: My friends think that you are a nice enough person but you are not at all right for me.
This set her off. "Well I guess this means I should give up trying because you always do what your friends say!" she insisted. Now, the evidence for this in our past history is that my friends have
always thought that about her, and I have tried to defend them to her, rather than just accepting her incorrect hypothesis that they just hate her and I should stop hanging out with them, in favor of
not hanging out with her (really. She threatened to break up with me if I didn't not-hang-out with them one night. I said "Okay. Can I come hang out with you instead?" "No. If you really love me, why can't you just stay in by yourself every night?"). Now, I will concede that I often agree with the opinions of my friends. This is part of why I count these people "friends". That's what "friends" means. But I have never made a point of letting my friends make my decisions for me. I could have gotten away with this, but she asked the next question:
Q: When you saw me yesterday, didn't it bring back some of those old feelings?
A: No.
Now, yes. Maybe I am cold for not getting all cuddly and nostalgic upon seeing her again. But is there some law that says that I
have to be attracted to her? I
just didn't feel anything. And maybe I could have if we had worked at it, but right at that moment, I did not, and I think being honest about it was the right thing to do. I tried to explain this. I wasn't saying that I could never feel anything for her again, just that I'm not some kind of love-machine who can switch it on and off at request. But all she heard was "You're not getting your own way," so I got an angry voice mail telling me -- it's like she was reading from a script -- "No one's ever treated me as badly as you did. We could have really had something. You don't know what you're missing. You always do what your friends say," etc. Now, I am very bothered by this. I mean, given that I was not interested, what sort of response would have made her happy? Would she have been happier had I lied, claimed I felt something I didn't? Or perhaps if I had coated my feelings in so much sugar that I gave her false hope? Ultimately, I think that she was angry at me for not loving her, and that's incredibly unfair to me. I mean, if it was something I could choose, then, well, why not? I mean, I've been in love with someone who didn't love me. It's not very pleasant. So if I could choose to fall in love with someone, I think "she loves me as well" would be near the top of my list of reasons.
But since we're in this weird sitcommy plot, it's got me thinking. The thing that keeps me from regretting not having tried to start something new with ex #1 (I want to point out, I don't think of them like this in my head; I just don't think it'd be right to use names in this forum) is the fact that I keep imagining myself as being in the opposite position, because I know for a fact that if you are the person trying to initiate the, um,
unbreakup, you run the risk of looking like a psychopath.
Wow. You are seriously not going to believe this. She just called me.
Right now. She's sorry about getting so angry. Do I feel any different now? Right. Do I mind if she keeps calling? No, I don't mind. Do I want her to keep calling? Really don't care one way or the other. Why am I being so "ignorant to her"?
Here we go again...
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